I feel a genuine concern for my development, my activities, my future, etc. I feel people are actually trying to help me. I wish I had found you before all this crap started, before I was ran out of everything and all this blogging started. I’m making about a third less than then and have no insurance, no retirement, etc. and have lost many I considered friends and loved ones, lost the love and closeness of many relatives. I haven’t found new friends and a social life here. I don’t know where I fit in anymore. I wish I could know what I do now before I was too poor to pay attention to or care about much other than living and trying to have a life in the future.

The fact remains I am where I am in life and I can’t afford to do much, I feel in or just above the poverty level as a result of it all. Without a college degree I can’t bounce back quickly and feel I am not considered more than a common laborer, not of much value and still expendable. I don’t have any great contributions to your society and don’t feel my opinions even here count for much of anything. Life goes on and so do. With all this crap I feel I have burned bridges and limited my options in employment and life. It is very clear to me where I rank in the grand scheme of things. Am I and all the others in the same boat as worthless to you as I think we are? Are we just play things for you to manipulate and control, experiments to entertain and amuse you?

Does anyone care how I define evil? Those of you who devalue human life and rights and enslave us to make us piss ants and pawns in your damn games, I define you as being the most evil people who ever walked the Earth. I’ll tell you that some of you have succeeded in making most of my life a living hell. You are succeeding in creating a hell on Earth. I’m just trying to live in your world and keep running into road blocks and stop signs.

I used to dream of having my own place in the country, peace and tranquility, a woman to love and who loves me back. Even after all I have been through I had hopes of them backing off and allowing me to think and act freely if I stayed legal and wasn’t bothering anyone. I guess you can say I have given up on dreaming of such things and with heavy control of my mind, people thinking for me controlling my thoughts and life, I figure this is all I get out of life after all the curses placed upon me. I feel I was cursed for even being born in this world. I just go on day to day trying to make the best of what life I have and what I have to work with. Is this your version of paradise, the way the world is developing?

What it comes down to is my beliefs were unacceptable and I was tormented and tortured so long over them that I set them aside and focused on the reality of all I had experienced recently and in life. You don’t like that about me either and nobody is accountable but me for it all. I don’t understand what they seek from me now, I am caught up in reality and staying there.

No, I’m still not afraid to come here and say what is on my mind. If you don’t like it, back off or kill me or something. I was pushed beyond caring much long ago. Your energies don’t make up for monetary losses or companionship. Maybe I will be alone for life, don’t know, not concerned about it. I know I live in a greedy capitalist society and don’t expect anything financially unless I can work and make it on my own. Such is life, mine at least.

9/11 was set up to launch multiple wars on many fronts and I guess I was just one of the many victims of those wars. Here is this Cherokee Scottish/ Irish berserker type who meets the qualifications as a beast. Role player, easily portrayed as an evil enemy sorcerer. George and company launch their wars inside and outside the country and I represented several things they wanted to war. With the government and churches against me and them seizing more control over all of us, taking away more rights and freedoms. I see it in many ways including as part of an extermination program.

Alright, I’ve set aside and walked away from everything you were warring me for, what else do you prejudice, cold, uncaring, bloodthirsty barbarians hate about me? Lincoln ended slavery but you managed to find a way to bring it back, didn’t you? Still no one answers my questions. What % of the population is doing this to the rest of us? When did this shit really start? I see it as being back at least in the ’40’s, but with all this secret shit it may have been far earlier than that.

I’ve outlived my usefulness to you and you can’t just let me fade back and disappear. You have to keep fucking with me about this bullshit I truly wasn’t responsible for. I wasn’t in my right mind, someone else was in my mind, something like that. I’m no threat. It’s not that you have beat me in to submission or scared me or broken my spirit. It is that I don’t care about you, your games, your wars, your motivations, etc. I’m not focused on you and want no part of it. I’m getting that I should join with the good people, groups, whatever. I haven’t figured out which they are. Have you? What qualifies them as such? How do you classify and rate good?

I thought this would be a blog about hip hip hop greetings.

Tonight I’ll show you a different aspect of it that I haven’t shown you before. It goes back to the heritage thing. I come from wild stock from southeast Kentucky in the mountains even though I wasn’t born there. I guess I picked up some mean aggressive traits. I was kind of hyperactive and I liked it, didn’t want to shut it down or shut it off. I felt I had an excess of adrenaline, I was high strung. I channeled it into things like work. I was a happy kind of berserk. I believe that had a big part in me getting caught up in all this. I liked moving new places, living kind of an adventurous sort of life, being active, fit, etc.

They put the clamps on me, brought out the worst traits in me, made me mean and confrontational (but still I wasn’t violent).

I got here, and they have been determined to take me out of all that, make me a different person. I was a control freak who enjoyed being in control of myself, my situation, my environment, etc. I lost that. They have kicked my ass everywhere I have been, if they couldn’t break me they ran me off. I guess that is what has offended me the most, not being in control of myself and my situation. Here they have made it clear I have to change or move on again.

I’m changing, learning to relax, learning to be a part of the community and make different kinds of friends than I have in the past. It is the most difficult adaptation I have ever had to make. I have felt the energies like a harness on me for years. If I wanted to be a beast they were going to control and break me. I refuse to submit entirely and let them take control of me, I’m nobody’s puppet or bitch. You have heard me say kill me, I would prefer that to losing my self identity and allowing my spirit to be crushed and being a broken person.

They have shut me down here, made me feel my age, drained my energy and motivation. I no longer feel hyperactive or energetic. Most of what I considered fun I have given up by choice or by force. I’ve been forced to mature and become more serious, my life depended on it. I’ve chosen to stay isolated through much of this because I didn’t want to have a negative impact on family and loved ones.

I’ve had to get used to people being mean to me and learn to exercise self discipline and self control or face more torture or possible imprisonment. That is another thing I never want, once again I would rather be dead. So they have tamed me, broken me in ways caused me to live a hard and difficult life and try to keep a smile on my face and be happy and relaxed.

Ive grown used to frequent stress and aggravation. I’ve tried to quit smoking many times but they know how to push my buttons and cause me to return to it. I don’t feel I can actually quit for good until or unless they back off with the aggressive behavior and energies and I can be relaxed and happy. I feel like a dog some don’t like sometimes, like some enjoy digging in their claws or kicking me just because they don’t like me or something about me.

I feel they are constantly trying to motivate me into action or to be or do something different. I’ve planted my feet here, dug in and am determined to make a go of it and make a home and a life here. I keep blogging it to show you my little victories. I know they mean nothing to you but to me they are me progressing and making a new start in spite of the adversities placed in my path. Loss of jobs, loved ones, friends, whatever. If they couldn’t motivate me to fight you or them I guess I had to fight and struggle to have a life and live.

It’s slow, steady and my life is boring to many I guess, I’m not exciting like when I was being motivated to be or do something. It’s my life and it is my choice and I will keep trying to have a life and be myself in your world, your community, whatever. Many wouldn’t survive what I have been put through, many probably haven’t. Maybe I’m just trying to make some of you think about what you are doing to people, maybe see if you have any compassion and understanding or if you are just on a power trip and enjoy doing that to people.

I’m not mean, aggressive, or a bad person or criminal by nature. I believe the worst you could say about me is I used to like to smoke a little weed to relax and socialize with friends. I know, it is something you are warring and something you were determined to break me from. It worked. I understand how many eyes are on me and that people notice every little thing I do.

I am making new friends and I’m not ruling out dating and seeking a relationship but I guess I feel the need to resolve some things and have peace of mind before I consider it. If I do marry again it would be to the right woman for the right reasons and be something I would be looking to be long term. As long as I feel persecuted it is out of the question which may also be some of your intent. I am also being pressured for coming back and having a blog up but as I have stated before it is a form of therapy for me, I’ll not go to a shrink, and my blogs have an effect on how I am being treated.

Sometimes I feel there is a communication barrier. Either they don’t hear me, don’t care what I am thinking or how I feel about what they are doing to me, or have their own agendas and things going on and what I think about it has no effect. Speaking publicly has an effect, not always good but at least I feel I am being heard.

I guess what I am trying to tell you is damn the pressure, tension, stress, etc. You are affecting me and everyone I come in to contact with. I want to relax, be happy, have a little of that holiday spirit and socialize with others. I am asking you nicely to BACK OFF!

Yes, I’ll delete again tomorrow and disappear and try again, see if this has the desired effect. You aren’t the only ones experimenting and testing.

Maybe I was kind of taz, out of control before. If you still want to think of me like a beast I have become more like a stubborn old mule here. I’m not going anywhere or doing anything until and unless I decide to no matter what you do to me. If you work with me and go along with me on what I am doing you will get far better satisfaction and results. Maybe you think I should be put out to pasture or killed to put me out of your misery or something. there is still life in me and I am still product, I have value.

So, really, what’s good?

I know to many of you this is the wrong answer, just another reason to fight me down and put me in my place. This has been my alternative, an out for me. I saw your other alternatives leading to my incarceration or death and that is unacceptable to me. I’m not fighting you, I’m fighting for my life, to have a life in your system. I know I am bucking the system, going against the odds of success but it is working for me. My life is slowly getting better. Maybe 3 steps forward and 2 back, but I am succeeding.

I’m being kept from sleep as expected. I understand you are enforcing laws, rules, whatever and maybe teaching me a lesson. What about the laws and rules of the land? Things like the declaration of independence and the constitution? You have completely ignored my rights and freedoms guaranteed by them in doing this shit to me. I wouldn’t be here if you respected my rights and boundaries and freedoms. I guess you all are allowed to do as you please and ignore the very documents supposedly that this country was founded on. What a crock of shit. I guess they are worthless pieces of paper and the founding fathers wasted their time and effort writing them.

I understand this is bible and religiously based as well. Consider me old testament, using the first 6 chapters of Genesis only out of the bible. I see no need to complicate it beyond that and there is much in the rest I don’t agree with or believe in. I will never be a Christian. That doesn’t mean I am opposed to the churches or your right to your beliefs. It means I am opposed to having the ways of others forced upon me. You are violating my rights according to the bible as well by taking dominion over me and forcing yourselves upon me. That violates my right to freedom of religion as well and you ignore my beliefs and boundaries and treat me as you will. That is why I was willing to do and blog all that shit and why I didn’t figure to survive it. I thought inquiring minds wanted to know my reasons and what I actually believed.

I’m a simple man with basic beliefs. My goal in life was always to live in peace and harmony with nature and my surroundings and all I come in contact with. I wanted to find my own little piece of paradise and my Eve and live happily ever after. Love is the energy that can easily conquer me and win me over. Aggression triggers my natural instincts and defenses and I guard myself, my space, my heart and soul. I have withstood much and held to my beliefs, do you believe I am for real and true? I still haven’t missed the mark. I may have stumbled and lost my path along the way, but I am headed in the right direction with a clear conscience. All the rest was a result of others taking dominion over me and attacking me and my beliefs, corrupting them and making them look ugly. I will defend myself, I have the right to act in self defense.

I have pretty much given up on my dreams becoming reality as I have learned more through reality. The voices are real people to me and don’t represent God. I have experienced far too much that is ungodly and that represents the evils of mankind. I live my beliefs and if God is real he knows I am here and what I have been subjected to. We all answer to him in the end, right?

Alright already, I’m going away now. Do you understand why I hate much about life in your world under your system?